>Never Will I Ever

>Remember that college drinking game where everyone’s sitting around and someone throws out a suggestion of something that people do, and whoever has done that thing takes a sip (gulp, guzzle, shot) of their drink of choice?  Like, for instance, someone says “Never have I ever mooned someone from a moving vehicle“, in which case I’d need to lower the level of the liquid in my cup by an ounce or so.  Basically it’s like playing Truth or Dare but without the Dare aspect and with the end result being that someone (or everyone) is really, really drunk.

[Not that I ever played that game, because never did I ever take a sip of illegal alcohol before the age of 21, and of course I got married a month and three days after my 21st birthday which means that I immediately rescinded all such behavior in favor of sitting alone in my dorm room on Friday nights, reading religious texts. *Pause while I swallow my coffee here*]

So anyway, my point in all those embarrassing revelations was to say that someday, when my precious son leaves our home for a college experience of his own, we’ll be able to count on him being the only sober player left in that particular game.  Because, according to him, there is little in this world that he’ll do.

“Let’s go get Bear from school now,” I’ll say to him in a chirpy voice.

“No!  I never, ever, ever wan’ get Bear from school,” he’ll tell me.

Or, “It’s time to take a bath now,” Tony will inform him, and Bug will respond, “No!  I never, ever, ever take a bath.”

Other things he’ll never, ever, ever do:

• Eat dinner
• Turn off the television
• Put down the cat who he’s swinging by its tail
• Put on a diaper and/or clothes
• Go to bed

So I’m really not concerned that someday he’ll follow in my footsteps by baring his backside to fellow highway travelers, or in skinny dipping in a freezing cold northern Maine lake (or in subtropical, completely visible to viewers from above, Caribbean waters, for that matter).  No, my unadventurous child will probably not even have any friends, given that according to his current standards he’ll be stinky, skinny, media-influenced, scratched-up, naked, and exhausted by the time he’s 3.  Nope, no drinking games for this one. *Fingers crossed tightly*

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